Saturday, January 30, 2010

Out of Death Comes Life

Todays is the two year anniversity of my cousin "Big Mike"'s death. It affected my family dynamic in so many ways. I watch his little girl grow up everyday and i am so thankful for that. She is beautiful.

Drugs and alchol have always been a part of my life. They have always surrounded me, and often the way i feel was built around their influence. Although I have done a fair share myself (what does that mean? a "fair" share? what amount would be fair.. hmm... random thought on the common phrases used in english language here) it was often not their direct influence on me that affected me most, but instead the hold they have over others I love.

My cousin died of drug related causes at a very young age. He left behind miss Kyra who is now 7. It is sad, but through his death he has given his daughter, and other very dear to my heart a chance to truely live. I thank him for that.

He was always a bit of a brute. He wanted to be gangster and embraced ghettoness. However, I know this to be a front. I know what it's like to grow up feeling that you never truely fit in anywheres. He had to make himself larger than life. He threw his weight around and acted tough, because he had to. When you grow up ghetto there are few choices. You can either embrace the ghettoness, as many in todays culture are now taught to do, or you can feel the shame. I know for a fact that either way you feel the shame. The front is really just that- it's a way to not show the shame.

I remember our poker games. I remember going to the casino. I remember when we were little and when he'd come to my house we'd stay awake in our room while the adults played poker. Who would have thought that someday that would be us. Jack 7 all the way!

As for myself, I have straddled that line and struggled with it. I often felt that I did not fit in with the ghetto part of my life. I do not fit in with those who have given up hope, nor with those that embrace they are "from the hood". I do not want to see children raised that way, because their parents knew no better. I have always been the book nerd. The really smart girl who always felt like she was overlooked and stood no chance. The girl who hated that she was smart, because she just wanted to be left alone. The girl who never felt she had any options to do anything with her smartness. I am the girl who befriends the professors, who reads insanely, and who can't ever turn her mind off. I am the girl who drives her self crazy, thinking she is so, when really she's so sane it's unbelievable. It seems as though I have been resented, due to my intelligence. That to some I seem like I am stuck up. This is so far from the truth, and has always caused me much pain. When I am hanging out with the professors it is as though they could never fully grasp the other "ghetto" part of me. It is straddling a wall and trying not to fall. Remembering where you come from and why. Learning to grow as a person and embrace your intellect, and learning to use that intellect to inspire others. It is believing that although we are products of our enviroment, we are also products of ourselves.

Mike, I miss you. I am thankful for the life you have given to others. I feel you died for a cause, and yes I am grateful for that. Thank You.

Friday, January 29, 2010

The Begining

I have been putting of writing this blog for months now. I am a perfectionist and often it is dehabilitating. I have been wondering, as i often do, how to even start. Will I have anything to write about? What do I truely want to say? This may seem funny to those of you who know me. I always seem to have something to say, and it is often unconvential. I think in writing.
What I have decided is that I will make this a postive thing. Although, life is rough at times and there is always reason to complain, I truely believe it is a life worth living, full of wonder, amazement, and love. These are the things I would like to write about. I believe if you think postive than your actions will be also. I do not believe in that you should sugar coat things, or live a life of ignorance though.

In the last few years of my life I have been slowly, but surely coming into myself. I know I am a senstive, smart, honest, and strong woman. I know what I am looking for in a partner and a lover. I know what mistakes I have made in my life, where they have lead me, and why. I will not apologize, feel guilty, or displace my anger for factors beyond my control through self loathing and self hate.
This is my blog. These are my thoughts, random or not, but always honest. If you would like to read along on my journey of self discovery, and creativity you are welcome to. I do not have anything to hide, as I truely belive if you were more open and honest with ourselves and each other we would be a more productive, exploritive, and humane society.

Your comments and thoughts are always welcome, and I hope you feel comfortable enough to share them.
Welcome to my world.